Co-dependency and Makeup Sex

photo-2“Co-dependency” is a funny phrase. No one admits to it. I have come to see it in a different light. A better way to understand it could be if we called it “co-addiction.”  Now when we think of “addiction” we think of things like narcotics and alcohol. Things that happen on Friday nights NOT Sunday mornings. But I have come to understand addiction in a broader spectrum.  A working definition could be: “Things that we compulsively do that keep us from freedom.” And for this definition it can be “bad” or “good” things that keep us from freedom. And so, co-dependency is depending on another person to validate our enslaving behavior. BUT just agreeing on something doesn’t make it not destructive. Convenience or comfort is not a good substitute for truth.

For 10 years Kami and I agreed that make-up sex was a good way to deal with deep conflict and the ways we had sinned against each other. But the physical act did not make the problems within our souls go away. The loneliness, the bitterness the rejection. In fact, in covering up the problem continually, it made the real problem worse. But Kami and I were in agreement about our “solution.” There wasn’t a conflict. We looked great to the outside world. But our spiritual wholeness was getting further and further. We were co-addicted. We were co-dependent. Our addiction was the immediate appearance of peace, the sense of closeness, and we didn’t care if it was real. But at some point we stopped agreeing. At first with each other. But more importantly with the destructive force of the addiction. This was scary. But it was worth it. Because while there was an immediate sense of separation this was all based upon the superficial sense of closeness that make-up sex, or any addiction, temporarily brings. And so we set our sights together on something more than agreement and immediate peace: Truth. We want to see our relationship, each other, our children, our God, for what they really are. Nor for how they can maintain stability. And it’s been disruptive. And beautiful. And worth it.


In regards to “healthy” make-up sex…. I think that physical intimacy can be an awesome way to celebrate and even catalyze spiritual and emotional intimacy. This can be great. But it seems that quite often it is used as a substitute or numbing agent for these things. For this to be resolved we must acknowledge that spiritual problems can never be solved with a purely physical solution.