Intro
I know this is a fairly lofty title but my life experiences have shown that it deserves such. For how valuable these things have been to me I’ve never read them anywhere and hear them talked about none and I believe that they deserve more airtime. These are some things that I have learned from observing many relationships around me but especially my own with my wife. There may be presuppositions that you disagree with but I would encourage you to look beyond the differences and see if there might be any truth that you could learn from my experiences. It was quite possible for this entire post to be one continuous disclaimer about how much we’re all different and how much I don’t know but I decided to forego all of that and just assume that we have some things in common and that it was better to just put my thoughts out there. These are more thoughts and impressions than scientifically proven facts so please engage the ideas as such. Some of the thoughts are redundant and this was written more as a flow of consciousness than to be a published masterpiece. These thoughts assume the reader has a belief in marriage, agrees that there are differences in male and females in physiology and role, and is pursuing a gospel centered approach towards life. Others are welcome to read but the discussion should begin on a much more basic level.
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I’ll start off with a story. 7 years ago my friend and I planned a surprise trip for our wives to Hawaii. It was to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. We had arranged childcare and announced the trip with less than a weeks notice. In the short time we had to prepare, Kami confided that she was worried. Our son was 9 months old and it would be her first time away from him. We went on the trip, had a blast. It was our first time in Hawaii, we had a great week with friends, snorkeled, and I impulsively got Kami’s name tattooed on my arm. To this date, Kami and I think of it as one of our best memories. And it almost didn’t happen. My guess is that if Kami and I would have discussed it democratically the trip would have been a coin toss because of Kami’s difficulty in leaving the baby. I’ll speak more on this later but this and many other smaller (and some bigger) examples have led me to the following conclusions: The only thing women want more than what they want is for a man to love and understand them more than they love and understand themselves.
Hawaii 2005
Let me draw this statement out a little more to clarify. In a typical marital conversation it is expected that 2 people approach the table with 2 opinions that they want to see win. When the husband and wife disagree, often the best case scenario we picture is the man acquiescing to what the woman wants. While not always, this often concerns issues of what is best for the family, children, or things of a more practical nature. Sometimes it comes along with some statement like “Whatever you want, Dear”. It also comes along with feelings of buried resentment and de-masculinization for the man. But both people are happy ish because they feel like they are equal and have done the best they could in a democratic process while not stepping on anyones toes or taking any huge risk. The statement I am making is that there is a better story out there. It is better because it involves more risk, more love, more sacrifice, more understanding, more unselfishness, and a better outcome. It does assume that one party is more responsible than another party. Not in an earned or qualified sense. But in an accountable and design sense. While we have seen the abuses of the burden of more responsibility lets take a break for a minute and imagine a world without the baggage. The man and the woman would come to the table to discuss something. There would be some different viewpoints but hopefully common goals. There could be differences. But in these differences the woman would feel cared about and understood. Input would be received by both parties but a past history should make no specific piece of data a huge surprise. The man would make a decision based upon what he thinks will best love his wife and his family and satisfy their collective and agreed upon mission as a family. If there is a track record of this the wife does NOT feel taken advantage of, manipulated or second class in any way. The primary goal is NOT to come to a conclusion that feels good to both partners instantly. The goal is to develop the type of relationship that practices and displays sacrificial love. This will never be the easiest path.
Let’s focus on a few aspects of this…
