All: HI BEN
Me: Yesterday I tried something new. I woke up at 6:30 am and went to a sexaholics anonymous meeting (“S.A.” for short) in Bellevue. I told my friend Mark that, today on the phone, and enjoyed this rather awkward silence where I could imagine that he was trying to figure out if I was even serious and if I was why I had gone. Had I molested children or got caught with porn by my pastor? Maybe he’ll read this and tell us what he was actually thinking, but, regardless, it was a little awkward.
Recently I ran into a family member and after talking for a while it came up that he was working through a 12 step program.” While I have heard the term, I’ve never really known exactly what this was or why it would have anything to do with me. He was currently working through step 4 and had gone through a process of contacting family members that he had offended and been offended by to make amends. When I heard that my jaw in my heart dropped. One part of me said “what does that have to do with anything” and the other part of me was screaming: “That makes perfect sense!” I’ve been working through a process for the last 8 months of dealing with quite a few family members concerning very complicated issues from the past. For the life of me, it has been like pulling teeth and untangling a ball of yarn a mile long trying to tie these clues together to interpret my present state of being. BUT a few things are clear: My (and probably everyone’s) past is very complicated, I do not want to really deal with it, my ability to successfully navigate through my future directly depends on exactly that. All that to say, when I heard about these 12 steps I was thinking “sign me up.”
So, Sunday morning I arrived to this shoddy looking building in Bellevue at 6:59. These were some of my thoughts on the expereince:
- It was weird. You walk in the door and it was this super crowded
This is the "white book" they use as their main text, so you can read it at Starbucks and no one gets too freaked out
space with way to many chairs and people. Every time someone spoke they started with “My name is (name) and I’m a sexaholic.” To this the crowd would say “Hi (name).” This would occur for anything said no matter what the content. After the person was done talking they would say ”My name is (name) and I’m a sexaholic” to which the crowd would respond “thanks (name).” There was hugging, there was crying, there was holding hands essentially there was a whole new culture. There were posters on the wall with the 12 steps and 12 commandments which are the equivalent of the 10 commandments to these people. For a first timer, it is a very awkward experience. When they asked if new people wanted to speak I felt like every word I said was breaking some code or written bylaw that I didn’t know about. I wasn’t quite sure what I was supposed to say. It was almost as bad as meeting with your future father-in-law about marrying his daughter.
- It was awesome. In one sense, there’s so much to say and so much that can’t be said. When I walked out of that place one hour later I was a different man. I’ve spent the last 60 hours trying to figure out exactly why and how. I’ll probably devote a few more posts to further imploring this question.
- It felt more like church than church. A place full of broken people all wanting to be fixed. I remember reading about how Philip Yancey’s life was changed by attending AA meetings and support groups at hospitals where people knew they were going to die soon. He was constantly noting how much your viewpoint can be changed when you hang out with the types of people that Jesus hung out with. This made sense to me in my head before this day but not my heart.
- During the course of 60 minutes I realized that there was no me and them. I was them. From the second I walked into this room I had these people labeled and man were they easy to label. I soon figured out when someone referred to themselves as an R.S.O. they meant registered sex offender. There were rapists, pedophiles, adulterers to name a few. In this room there had been more sexual crimes committed then people I had been around my entire life. Or at least that’s what it felt like. The only safe way to even approach the situation was to mentally and spiritually distance myself and my identity. That is until I started to realize that besides some outward actions my heart, thoughts, and intentions are identical to the people I heard sharing. The people with broken marriages and piles of victims in their past. This was somewhat startling and was an absolutely disappointing discovery. I decided I could no longer believe these 3 things consistently:
- All humans are equally fallen and depraved
- It is Jesus alone that saves us from our depravity
- I am better than a rapist.
- Thought experiment: walk into a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting. Based upon your gut judgement to the people around you I think you will be able to assess how much you truly believe the first 2 principles.
- If following the 12 steps will help a rapist, it will help me. As stated
(Click to Enlarge)
previously, during the course of the meeting I started to realize how much I was NOT different than the people around me. I believe that the reason for this is very simple. For every action that these people have committed with their bodies I have committed the exact same action in my heart. Adultery, rape, lust….GUILTY! So we can discuss which is worse based upon the physical or spiritual ramifications but that seems negligible when we are considering that all of these things have the same root issue and therefore the same solution. And from all outward appearances, this is that the 12 steps are focused upon: getting at and dealing with the root issue. From what I gathered, jacking off to porn or cheating on your wife are merely ways that people “self-medicate” because they do not know what the root is or how to deal with it. Therefore, the 12 steps are not really about rape or porn or sex at all but more about coming to understand our own story and how it can be redeemed within the God’s story and the stories in the lives of the people around us.
- I would encourage everyone to attend a meeting of this nature. There are many different choices that deal with a wide range of the physical medications that we use to prevent having to deal with God. Alcohol, gambling, narcotics, over-eating, love, etc. I don’t think it really matters which one you chose but picking one that you can more overtly relate to may be less distracting. I would think that you would be hard-pressed to attend one and not learn something that would justify the time. Simply type in “(your city) 12 step program” into google and I’m sure you will find a list of locations that meet in many different places at many different times.
I am not interested in hearing responses about the exact ins and outs of the failures of AA, SA or any other 12 step program. I wrote this post with the full understanding that in many ways this is just another system. Like any system it has the potential to be abused and will not automatically cure anything or everything. Many people become addicted to the meetings or the attention they get from attending them.
I’m sure some people are wondering what the specific details are of my sexual delinquency are and my plan for addressing it. So here it is:
I was exposed to porn in the first grade by a neighbor. At the age of 5 I watched some guy masturbate that was supposed to be watching us. At the age of 6 I tried to “have sex” with a neighbor girl. We ran into numerous obstacles and were not successful. I participated in the “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” with multiple neighbors and Sunday School girls all before 5th grade. In 5th Grade I was exposed to and caught with hard core pornography at school and to my recollection this was the only conversation that my parents had with me about sex. It feels like the last 20 years of my life have been a battle to undo what I experienced and learned in the first 8. One of the most obvious manifestations of this has been a draw to pornography. There have been very long periods where I have denied these impulses and equally long periods where I have indulged them. Regardless of the physical manifestations of my deviant personality there has always been an underlying lustful desire that has had a certain degree of control over my life, thoughts, and actions. I am thankful, that at least in my adult life, most of the manifestations of my sexual insanity have occurred in my head but on a fundamental level need as much help as the worst sexual criminal. It is for that reason that I plan on seeking healing and community in the 12 step program that is offered by Sexaholics Anonymous. Hmmmm… so much for the anonymous part. I will attempt to keep you updated on the journey.
18 Comments
August 22, 2008 at 7:24 am
wow Ben! I am genuinely encouraged by this post. I had a somewhat similar childhood and was exposed to many of the things you mentioned all before the age of 13 along with being molested. It has only been in last three months that I’ve experienced freedom from an addiction to pornography myself, again long periods of abstaining as well as long periods in the midst of the habit. I always felt alone in my pain and my addiction, it was only once I became completely vulnerable to God first and then the body of disciples around me that I realized I wasn’t alone. Seriously, thank you walking into the light, I know God will heal you.
August 22, 2008 at 10:13 am
I really love this, Ben.
August 23, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Hey Ben – You have my support and prayers during this healing process. Most guys wouldn’t have the courage to bring this sort of thing to the forefront. I went to a few AA meetings with Jim (Jordan’s dad) after his stint in rehab. The meetings are a tool — a resource that’s available. But the 12 steps are an individual’s journey. It can be a tough road.
August 24, 2008 at 3:01 pm
thanks ben.
August 30, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Hi, my name is Mike and I’m a serial murderer(see Sermon on the Mount).
Great insights. It is so sad that we’ve created a culture at our churches that make people fake “wholeness” and avoid being real about their brokenness (which is a prerequisite to be made whole).
David Powlison and Ed Welch have written some very helpful articles and books in the area of addictions. I highly recommend any of them. They been a huge blessing to me.
September 6, 2008 at 10:02 pm
I hate so much that you were exposed to those things when you were so young. That was abuse and it set you up for what you say you struggle with now. I hate that so much and I want your abusers to burn.
You realize it’s not about sex, it’s about sin nature and also your reponse to the ways you were failed by people who were supposed to take care of you. And your response is one out of desperation and seeking relationship and safety except it’s been warped by the abuse/sin nature as sin tends to do as we all know. We all do this, it just takes different forms.
Your story also reminded me of my friend (a guy) who said he and his girl neighbor tried to “do it” when they were 7 so they tried it doggystyle (spelled like Snoop there) except she was behind him and he was on his knees. Is it bad of me to think that’s funny?
October 6, 2008 at 10:07 am
Hey Ben,
I just came across this…First I want to thank you for sharing your story, & second I am sorry this happen to you. I can’t help but to think back to those days….remembering you as a little boy….I had no idea.
October 30, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Hi Ben. I just “randomly” found your blog. Strangest thing. I live in your general area (farther north) and I was doing a google search on the scriptural symbolism of the number 10 which was a bust but I ended up on your post about your tattoo on your back. Browsed around and here I am.
I think its great that you discovered the 12-step program. I wanted to let you know that there is a Christ-centered one available called “Celebrate Recovery” which is offered at many churches. It has the good stuff and VERY Christ focused and spits out the bad stuff (“higher power” mumbo-jumbo, smoking, swearing etc). I put a link to the mother website here… hope it works. You can get on that website and find a location close to you. Mine is in Maltby. I forgot to mention that this is a very open group. Everyone from addictions to codependency to overeaters etc. And you don’t start out with “my name is __ and I’m a ___” because your struggle doesn’t define you. Actually it goes something like this “I’m a grateful believer who struggles with ___” it helps to realize that that struggle can be in the past.
Our meeting is in Maltby on Monday nights if you’re interested.
Another thing about CR. Don’t be put off that it is located in the church and probably put on by some of the church staff. It is (or should be) the most real experience that you will find in a church.
I found your blog entries refreshing so I will subscribe so I won’t lose track of you.
October 31, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Cari, Thanks for the feedback. That “celebrate recovery” program sounds interesting. Personally, I don’t really mind the “higher power” language because I have a very clear understanding that God is the only one who loves me enough to see me through this. In my particular group I know that people refer to other “higher powers” but I think it makes for an interesting point of discussion. I also don’t mind the “Hi, I’m Ben and I’m a whatever” besides that fact that it get’s annoying saying and hearing it a million times. Actually, to date, I’ve never said it but this Sunday I’m speaking at the meeting so it will be interesting to see what happens. The reason why I don’t mind identifying myself that way is because I think it serves as a reminder of how dependent we are on Christ. To me this is the same as have strong belief and being able to identify in The Fall. I agree though, to stay at this point and find your identity as a fallen addict would be false and non-conclusive. Anyways, thanks for your feedback. Any suggestions for co-dependent stuff? We’re looking for something for my wife and are kind of new to the “recovery” scene.
November 3, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Ben, thanks for your encouraging thoughts and vulnerability. Thanks for reading mine.
Thanks for preaching the gospel in that, too.
November 19, 2008 at 11:32 am
Ben: You are a Jerk
November 19, 2008 at 11:34 am
Nah..I”m Just Kiddin!
But this topic is HUGE. I’m fascinated by my own tendencies to want to “hide” from the world around me. It is so terrifying to have your life exposed, but its’ true that the broken man (who opens his life) experiences real freedom.
November 19, 2008 at 11:37 am
I might join your sexaholic meetings. I can’t stop google image searching big black cock.
November 20, 2008 at 8:22 pm
“Many people become addicted to the meetings or the attention they get from attending them.”
People get “addicted to meetings” because the meetings imply constantly that if you don’t attend, you will “relapse” and that you are “powerless,” an “addict for life,” etc.
You have trauma in your past. You had best deal with that somehow, preferably in one-on-one counseling, because in all likelihood the only advice you will get in 12-step about actually dealing with trauma is “Don’t get angry, don’t get sad…let go and let God.” In other words, flatten your emotions and forget about the trauma.
January 7, 2009 at 11:29 am
Hey Ben,
Great blog! I loved hearing a newcomers insight, thoughts and feelings. I’ve been in recovery since 2000 and there are times I forget just how hard walking into a meeting for the first time can be.
God bless you on your road to recovery!
-e
P.S. under your ABOUT tab… replace parter w/ partner (under husband of and your work)
January 7, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Eric, thanks for the edit.
April 14, 2009 at 9:25 am
hi ben
you have so much courage, i just joined SA a few weeks ago and i am going through one of the hardest times in my life now. i have so much respect for you. i will read your blog to see where you are up to. i just started to blog about my experience too.
October 12, 2009 at 6:55 am
As Christians, we should rely on God, NOT Jesus. Jesus was gateway. Christians, liberal or conservatives, are more and more like Catholics, praying to Jesus like praying to Mary.
My ex-husband claimed he was a sex-addict, turned out porn wasn’t exactly all he was ‘into’ – real life orgies and blow jobs in the back of strangers cars whilst we were married. Now I’m divorced and consequently, shunned by the CHURCH. I find all of this repulsive, from blaming our natural lustful human instincts on the devil to needing to feel guilty for masturbating or drawing sex pictures. No one ever mentions all the old testament characters who had a wife, then some on the side. . .Abram?? You think they had guilt? nah, God and Jesus bless America!!